In Colorado, Christian fundies in the government (the ones who also lament that prayer was removed from the classroom) force public schools to recite the pledge because (along with promoting nationalism) it puts jeebus (“under God”) back in the classrooms. It’s gross to see it done in a classroom. Same crap when they do the lord’s prayer in sports. Welcome to North Korea. We’ll tell you when and to whom to pray. Christ, I had one student say “Amen” at the end. Hey! Stick to the script! On so many levels, the act of doing the pledge between the white lines of the school day made me want to puke – every damn day. Here I am trying to teach truth … and we’ve got to do this crap every morning? Fuck. Kind of sets the wrong tone for the rest of the day. ‘Murika and god, Everybody! It’s the rule! Niiiice.
Now when I see how tied up and hurt and anxious I was, I think, well of course I was. It was all I knew. It did not matter if news was good or bad – I reacted in an anxious state. Got a new job offer? Only a question of time until they find out I am a fraud. Got a raise? I’ll probably get fired before the next one. And so on and so on. Through life. All good things were tinged with a little bit of poison. All bad things were horrid and expected. It’s taken me this whole year to just stop reacting to my own impulses. A whole year of no longer scaring myself when fear seemed like only way to react. A year of saying, ok, heart is racing, so what. so what. Keep moving, keep going. Nothing bad is going to happen if you just keep doing that you are doing. And then at some point it clicked. I stopped feeling the knee jerk fear. For the first time ever that I can remember. No anxiety. I still talk in my head a lot, and when I catch myself doing that, I can see that it’s very often when I am very, very tired.